Yes, I understand I should be happy for my friends when good things happen to them. Though…what about my feelings? Don’t they matter? Is it okay to ignore my inner turmoils as long as I express that I’m happy for someone else?
I may seem confident quite a bit, and at times I really am. Though, I’ve grown up with a lack of self-importance. I’ve grown up having had to push aside my own feelings for others and have grown into the mentality that others’ feelings are more important than my own. As long as others are happy, my emotional state shouldn’t matter or it should mimic the state of said other. Why do I have to go through life being happy for others while I stow away my own emotions? Why is this okay?
People need to stop fucking telling me to “enjoy my youth and have fun with several guys” and to not “worry about entering a relationship”. No, shut the fuck up. You are NOT me and you do NOT feel what I feel. If I feel like I want a relationship, then I have every fucking right to do so. Just because you and everyone else, apparently, are happy with one night stands or other acts of casual sex, doesn’t mean I am. Don’t you DARE try to fit me into that cycle. That sort of thing may be what you’re seeking, but it’s not what I’m after. I know what I want, despite being twenty one. I yearn for that intimacy that comes with sharing private moments with one that’s on your wavelength. I yearn for that bond and reciprocated affection. I yearn to have someone to give my all to. I want to be best friends with someone I can deliver quick pecks on the cheeks to or engage in long, passionate kisses; someone to hold under a tree as we chat about topics both meaningless and meaningful. I know I want all this because I can’t help but covet such things when I come across others that clearly have it already.
So don’t you dare tell me that I’m young and should take my time. I want to have as much time as possible experiencing that and I do not have to live by the standards of the many.